Finding myself

Life if funny post-cancer. (I hope I can call it “post-cancer”, I’m only a few months into being in remission so I use that term loosely.)

I struggle daily to figure out who I am. The things I used value in myself are different now. I could work like a madman. There would be days where I could work for 10-12 hours accumulating around 20k to 25k steps. I’d routinely burn 1000 calories or more above maintenance and that was without tracking my workouts (I’d take my watch off when I trained). I felt invincible and while I was tired I certainly didn’t feel the fatigue I feel now.

Now I struggle to get 10k steps and am lucky most days to get 7k. I require more sleep and more down time or I am beyond worthless as a husband and a father at home. While I’m still stronger than most men, I’m also only about 50-60% as strong as I was.

Both this lost of endurance and strength is a debilitating struggle for my psyche.

Regardless of how much it seems like I’m complaining though, I am doing fantastically well when all things are considered. I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m searching to redefine myself and be comfortable with who I am now. Having really enjoyed who I was, it’s very difficult to accept who I am now. But I am trying.